Clandestine
by spicehnoodles
Summary: She expected Suzuna or Sakura to find out, but he did - again.
1. Not a Reunion

Shame.

Her hand glides around the metal pole slowly, gracefully…

_Have you no pride?_

Providentially, the metal railings around the stage protect her—not from falling, but from _them_.

_What happened to you?_

_This isn't you._

No seductive look planted on… Just an impassive face. No tears, no fear… Nothing.

_Possibly just like _him_._

Though she looks out beyond the crowd, searching…searching…

…and finding nothing.

Helplessness.

**. . .**

My name is Ayuzawa Misaki, age nineteen.

In high school, I was called the "demon president" of Seika High. I was also known as the number one boy-hater, sworn to protect girls from those lecherous _things_. I always wondered why males were even created; I assumed they were the ones who contaminated the world as we know now. I didn't care that the boys thought I treated the girls better. So what if I liked to play favoritism with the girls? I don't see the teachers complaining, anyways.

_I didn't care._

But I started to feel bad about it—for a millisecond. I grew tired of their inane complaints and eventually gave in. Even though I can be quite stubborn, everybody has their breaking point, right? Nobody can stay firm on what they believe in forever.

Usui Takumi. We all call him "Usui" so much that people assume that's his first name—possibly is, possibly not. To the guys, he's the number one guy in school, in planet Earth, and so on and so forth. They say that he's the only one keeping Seika High alive and keeping the boys' reputation going strong.

And to the girls…well, they think he's the most handsome, perfect guy ever. He has perfect grades, good at sports, has this mysterious aura surrounding him, and is just…super, super gorgeous.

Their words, not mine.

To me, I think he's a perverted outer-space alien. He's the one who found about my secret: I, the tough, boy-hating, demon president, working at the _Maid Café_, where girls are all happy and smiley to the customers—girl _and _boy. There are mostly male customers—that's if we're not having our rare cross-dressing days—because the servers are, obviously, all girls. It's not my kind of thing, but the hours and pay are decent.

Anyways, ever since Usui found out about my secret, we've been in many outrageous experiences together. He started to work part-time at the café I work at, and that's where I found out how great of a cook he is. That's when I suddenly found out he was incredible at everything.

_That's when I started becoming suspicious of him._

It's true that for a guy who likes to help out, strangely, he doesn't say much about himself. You yourself are blabbering on and on about some topic while he sits there, just listening. He either makes some idiotic comment or just stays quiet. You know, when he's not being perverted, he's actually a good listener—sometimes.

So yeah, we've been through so much stuff. He helped me with many, many things. He's just…someone you just can't describe. He's too perfect; he's an alien.

Eventually, I started developing feelings for him.

At first, I was denying it. I thought it was something extremely stupid. I mean, why the hell would I like that perverted stalker? Seriously, everywhere I turn he's there! Then he told me that he liked me and _freaking jumped off the roof just to save a measly picture of me and him in the _Maid Café_! _It _was_ a good thing he did that, though… But is there someone that you could of think of who would do such an irrational thing?! _No!_

Yes. One day, I said that I liked him—well, I implied it, actually. But nonetheless, I confessed. Then we kissed.

You see, Usui and I…have a strange relationship. Now I don't want to ramble about all the times we've been through since it's such a long, _long _story. Don't ask for the whole story unless you suffer from insomnia.

__

_I had seen her with my own two eyes collapse right then and there slowly She was just making some curry, and I was just trying to help her with the cutting and stuff. It had just…happened._

_"__MOM!" I had screamed._

__

There comes a time when you just don't want to talk to anyone _at all._ For instance, when something horrible happens, and you just don't want to talk to anyone whatsoever. You feel empty underneath, and if someone just sets something off inside of you, you vent out your anger, sadness, and helplessness to that particular person.

Of course that person would have to be really persistent to talk to you like I someone I know…

Yes, it's not their fault. You just can't help it, though. It's something gigantic ready to explode any time soon. You just can't stop it, and you don't mean it, either. You say things you don't really mean, and then you feel guilty afterwards—which sucks, because it adds to the anger, sadness, and helplessness you're feeling as of now.

Bad luck just happens to the unluckiest people in the world—especially terrible ones, like me.

**. . .**

"Do you want to go grab a bite to eat with me, Misaki?" Sakura asks me, hoisting her bag on her shoulder. "My treat, of course!" She smiles brightly.

I smile back apologetically. "I'm sorry, Sakura," I reply. "I have to go to work. Perhaps next time would be best, but right now…no."

Sakura frowns slightly. "You're always so busy, Misaki! You need to have a break, you know. This isn't healthy for you." She sounds so concerned.

"I know—but I have to work, anyways. It's all right. Make sure you're with someone when you go eat, Sakura. Just wait for Shizuko before you go; this place is crawling with creeps." I grimace.

She laughs. "You're still the same as ever, Misaki! I'm glad…" She smiles softly.

I start to feel that same feeling again when I heard her say that and saw her warm smile. "Okay, bye," I say hastily, and leave immediately. I hear her say goodbye, but I just go on ahead to my job.

My name is Ayuzawa Misaki, age nineteen. And I no longer work at _Maid Café_.

I head down to the subway as quickly as possible, knowing I am late again. I was supposed to come down here so I can be on time, but then Sakura wanted me to tutor her on math for a while. I lost track of time, and here I am, late. The manager's… I do not know what she's going to do.

I restrain myself from pummeling the boys who are fooling around in the train and bumping into me. They are absolutely juvenile, but I can't do anything right now. Not because it would seem too…weird, but because I can't move my arms for I might hit someone—but if I do move my arm, I'll hope that it'll hit the immature boys in that special place of theirs.

Finally, the train arrives to my destination, and quickly, I'm the first one out. I run out to the bustling city and down the street. I effortlessly dodge people especially the crowds. Luckily, the place that I am heading down to isn't that far of a run—for me, that is.

As I arrive, I look through the window, and I see Naeko on stage already. I go around the back to go to the secret back door entrance; it's actually an exit from the inside, but I use that door so I wouldn't have any males staring at me as I go in.

I lock the door just for safety precautions—for the girls, of course—and head through the dressing rooms. The girls pay me no mind, but I see some that stared at me as I pass by. I am about to sneak in the secluded dressing room when the manager comes in, glaring at me.

"Ayuzawa, where the hell were you?" she exclaims. "It was your turn to go up first, but Yamamoto insisted on going first. You're lucky she covered for you. Since you came late, you're the one who has to stay back and lock up the building."

I didn't complain, because when I was still new here, I complained about having to wear such skimpy clothing, and my pay went lower. Don't get me wrong—Sato-san is a nice person, but when it comes down to business, she's strict as hell. I admire her for that; she doesn't let anyone win her over. Favoritism is not her thing.

That's like a slap in the face to me.

I quickly change into the clothes Sato-san gave me and go out, carrying a tray of drinks this girl dumped on me. There are so many girls that work here; I don't even know some of their names.

I look down on the notepad the girl gave me and immediately memorize the orders and where to put it. Some of them are so transfixed on the girl on stage; they don't notice me. Unfortunately, some of them give me their numbers—which I throw away instantaneously—and make wolf whistles at me. I resist the urge to strike them down. I do _not _want to get fired.

Sato-san tells me that it's my turn to go up. I mutter a string of profanities under my breath, and go up the stage reluctantly. I put my hand on the pole sliding it down slowly and circle around it. I hear cat calls and loud wolf whistles, making a vein throb on my forehead. I've been working here for about a few months and I'm still not used to all of this.

I dip down and spin gracefully and skillfully around the pole. I stare emotionlessly at the crowd of men. Some are drooling and staring lustfully at me. It's completely horrendous. I saw something that caught my eye.

There is a man on the way back of the room, leaning on the entrance door casually. I couldn't see him very well for it is dark, and the shadows make it hard to tell how he looks like. It is hard to illustrate.

I dip down again seductively and swing my hips side to side as I came up. I put my left leg around the pole and spin again smoothly. There are more cat calls and whistles. Men start to run up and throw money over the railings. One guy is trying to climb over, but he fails. I try to suppress my giggles.

I peek over at the man now. He's still standing there. Is he a stalker or something? Is he a rapist or one of those obsessive freaks that I haven't paid attention to in the past? Who is he?

_Why does his presence captivate me?_

Suddenly, I see the man smirk at me. For some unknown reason, that smirk makes me blush hard. I turn away from the loud audience until that annoying blush goes away. What the hell is this guy trying to do?! Why did he smirk at me?! What's going on?!

I see Sato-san mouthing that my part is done, and I jump off the pole happily, collecting the money, and leaving without a glance. I hear the crowd groan and complain, but when another girl came up, they immediately become happy as if nothing ever happened.

I go to the tables and ask some of the men if they still want anything. They merely ignore me and continue watching the girl perform. I _accidentally _step on one of the guy's foot with the sharp heel of my shoe and put on a faux sweet face, apologizing. As I turn away, I feel myself smile evilly.

Unconsciously, I look for the man. He isn't there, but the door he was leaning in front of is wide open. It is as if he did so just to make me follow him. _And I want to._

The rest of the night went by so fast. I was glad it did. I will be able to get to my sister really, really soon. I desperately need to get away from all the smoke and the smell of beer. It is making my head swirl and I feel nauseated.

Naeko comes up to me, smiling softly. "I'll wait for you, and we can walk together to the train station, Misaki-san," she says. "I don't want you to be alone; you said so yourself: there are 'creeps crawling around.'"

I give her an assuring smile. "I'm fine, Naeko, really. If you want me to walk you home, I will. Don't you have someone there to pick you up?" I ask, changing into my own clothing.

She nods and gives me a look of concern. "Are you sure now, Misaki? It's awfully late, and I don't want you to be alone." She bites her lip.

"I'm sure."

Naeko pecks me on the cheek—something she does to me and only me for some reason—and leaves, waving delicately.

I sigh, smiling a bit, and grab the keys Sato-san entrusted me with. I grab my stuff and head towards the entrance, making sure everything is okay and in place. I hoist my bag on my shoulder and begin locking the door securely. I place the keys safely in my pocket and jog towards the train station quickly.

I see a man who's obviously drunk stumble out of the alleyway. He looks to the side and sees me. I see him smile disgustingly and walk clumsily towards me.

"Hey, beautiful," he slurs. "Do—do y-y-you wanna take—take a r-r-ri-i-i-de with me?" He hiccups, and I can virtually smell his beer-filled breath.

I don't know why, but I punch him hard in the gut and swiftly kick him in the same place. I guess I was so pissed off in the bar that I just have to put my anger on something—or in this case _someone_. I unceremoniously step over him and continue jogging to the train station nearby.

_I hope Suzuna is okay right now, _I think. _I better hurry quickly. It's really late._

I finally arrive at the train station and buy a ticket. I sit down on the bench and wait impatiently for the train to come. I take out my cell phone and call the house.

"_Hello?" _Suzuna answers tiredly.

"Suzuna," I say, "it's me, Misaki. Are you okay there?"

"_Where are you? It's already eleven-thirty-five. Come home now." _Her tired voice worries me; she must be staying up late, waiting for me. Guilt creeps up inside.

"There were a lot of customers at the café, and I had to stay behind," I lie smoothly. "I'm just waiting for the train to come and after that, I'll be there as soon as possible."

"_Okay." _She hangs up.

I yawn and put my phone back in my pocket. I lean back against the bench and move my neck around, trying to pop it. I suddenly heard chuckles and whispers in front of me. I snap my head up and glare at the suspects. They are smirking at me in a way that made me aggravated. As soon as they see my deathly _I-don't-want-to-deal-with-your-perverted-pain-in-the-ass-crap _glare, they run away like cowards. I still have my "demon president" self. Good.

"Looks like you still don't need any protecting," a man chuckles beside me.

I look to the side and I see the same man from the club earlier. He is wearing a black trench coat, and his hair was falling over his eyes, making a shadow over it, forbidding me from seeing his eyes and face. He looks so damn familiar. And suddenly—

"Usui?" I whisper, feeling some tears coming. "I-Is that you…?"

I feel a tap on my shoulder, and I look back, seeing the ticket man. "Miss, the train is here now," he informs me. "Everyone went inside already; you should go in before the train leaves." He smiles at me and leaves.

I sigh. "Usui, maybe we should—" I stop when I see no one sitting beside me anymore.

I grit my teeth and run over to the train. I sit down on the chair and bury my face in my hands.

_Was it just my imagination? No! I'm not going mad even though the stress right now is killing me! He _was_ there._ _I know and I saw it. He was there at the club. I know it. I know it. I know it._

Then the tears just come pouring down without my permission.

* * *

**[Please don't expect an update that comes immediately.**

**I'm a busy person. Who isn't nowadays?**

**Thanks for reading. :)]  
**


	2. Mind Tricks

I satisfy their needs by simply wearing skimpy outfits and seductive faces.

_Innocence is tarnished… _

I'm not touched by their vile hands, but just the thought of them stripping me naked with their eyes…repulses me.

_I've no choice… _

He left, and now he's back. He's there to witness what I do for _those people_. I feel embarrassed, foolish…

_I'm drowning in the pool of mistakes…_

**. . .**_  
_

I couldn't get him out of my mind.

His green eyes—they penetrate through my soul. That night, I will never forget the words he said_—"Seems like you still don't need any protecting"—_and I wish he had said more. I yearn for his voice even though it sounds incredibly cheesy and pathetic. Questions float around in my mind, questions I want to ask him.

"_Why are you here?" _

"_How did you find me?"_

"_Do you forgive me?"_

"_What…do you think of me now?"_

I don't whether or not he'll shrug off those inquiries and just give me that reassuring smile—or will he just glare and walk away? After what I did to him back then, it's hard to believe he'll forgive me so easily. I don't know if he's a grudge-holder, but I know how much he must be hurting right now.

Because of me.

But I mustn't let him cloud my mind, take over my mind. He's probably gone now, or he was just a figment of my imagination that night. I won't see him anymore, and if I do, it'll probably be a huge happenstance or my mind is playing tricks on me yet again.

"Oh, Misaki-san," someone says behind me. "You're quite early."

I turn around and smile at Naeko. I pick up another glass and start cleaning it more sufficiently. "I don't have anything better to do tonight, so I came to work early. Sato-san gave me some spare keys… What about you—why are you so early?" I ask.

"Well, I always come early. I don't have much to do, anyway, too." She walks up to me and sets her bag down on the counter. She grabs a glass near me and a rag, and starts cleaning. "What time are we opening up today now?"

"Ten o' clock."

"Ah, so I'm thirty minutes early…"

I accept the silence that comes. It's nice having Naeko around. She's like an older sister to me, but she's also someone I take care of. She's a naïve person, so I watch out for her. Vulnerability is what these freaks that comes in love. It makes them feel strong. I have to protect her and all of the other girls. There aren't many bodyguards around here, because Sato-san hates bodyguards, and she doesn't want to waste any money. I guess that's why she hired me.

Time goes by fast, unfortunately. Sato-san immediately arrives and so do the other girls. She tells us to hurry up with the polishing of the glasses, because the men that are waiting outside are getting edgy, impatient. I wish I could clean it slower, but Sato-san will scold me. Naeko tells me that she's going to change since she's up first again. I sigh, putting the glasses back. I go inside the dressing room.

Many of the girls are changing. When I first started working here, I would always blush at the sight of the naked girls. But now I'm used to it; I'm okay with it. They're girls like me. They have breasts like me—except bigger ones. The girls are confident on stage, and some of them enjoy being up there, dancing for those men. I don't understand why, but I know I'll never understand.

One of the girls is putting on my makeup for since I don't know how. Sato-san comes in the room, yelling for everyone to shut up.

"The backroom is open now; the carpenters fixed it up just this morning," she announces proudly. "So that means a lot of you will be going there. Satisfy those men good, ladies. I expect some tips, all right? If those men handle you the wrong way, you already know the moves Ayuzawa taught you. That's all. Give me some money!" She leaves.

_I hope they remember, _I pray silently. I once recently taught them some self-defense moves. They were awed by my knowledge and skills. Some of them struggled, but they caught up easily. They needed to know this.

I hate the backroom. I don't like being in one room with one guy. The room would be dim and "comfortable." Either the guy wants you to dance in front of him, a private show, or he would want you to give him a lap dance. Luckily, I was never picked. They mostly picked Naeko or the other girls.

I grab the notepad from one girl and start taking orders. Naeko is dancing gracefully and sexily up on stage. She doesn't like this job, either, but she sure dances amazingly. I go to the bar and start getting bottles of beer. I stack them on the tray, and, easily, I balance it and carry it to the engrossed customers. I still remember some tricks I learned in…_Maid Café_. Just the thought of my old job makes my heart ache.

Someone grabs my arm. I look back and see Sato-san.

"Give that tray to some other girl; someone wants you in the backroom," she informs me, smirking. "You should hurry. That man is waiting."

I give the tray to another girl, and I walk to the backroom reluctantly. I grab a masquerade mask and put it on. I don't want the guy to see my face. I go inside the quiet and solitary room Sato-san told me to go to.

The room is dim. There is a vanity mirror in the side. Plushy chairs are in the other side. The room is small; the ambience is uncomfortable. A man is sitting on one of them. His face is turned towards me. I don't see his face, but I could feel his stare. I don't know why, but his stare makes my cheeks burn. I take a deep breath and walk towards him. The man leans back, and I assume he wants a damn lap dance. I put wrap my arms around his neck, and, slowly, I go on his lap. My knees are resting on his thighs. He doesn't grab me, doesn't move. I know he's looking at me, though.

I hesitate.

And then I spin my hips seductively, unhurriedly. My fingers stroke the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. His very presence makes me uncomfortable, but I feel…okay. I thrust my hips forward a bit. I go up. His face is directly towards my chest, but his gaze is on me. His gaze…is…making me want to do things to him.

I notice that he lifted his head up. I'm looking down on him, and our lips are just inches apart. His hands go on my waist, bringing me close. My hips are moving side to side, dipping down, going up. His fingers are playing with my bare stomach. They go up even more. My heart beats faster and faster.

He takes off my mask slowly, gently. His fingertips brush against my cheek as he pulls it off finally. My skin tingles from where he touched. That single touch sends fire throughout my entire body. The feeling…is…so familiar.

For some reason, I kiss him—and he kisses me back. Our bodies are touching, my chest squashed against his. My hands are tangled in his soft locks. His large hands are on my back, rubbing it up and down. His kissing is so familiar; it's like I've kissed him before. The only person I ever kissed was…

"Usui," I gasp against his mouth. "Usui!"

He chuckles.

I don't want to pull away, but I do. I bring his face closer to see his green eyes. I do. _Those green eyes…_

I'm not going crazy. This is Usui. I know how his eyes look like. I know that he's the only person ever to make me feel this way. No other person would make me kiss him. If I am assigned to a different person, I wouldn't do my job well; I wouldn't kiss him.

I stifle the tears coming out. "Please say it's you," I whisper.

"It's me," he replies, "Ayuzawa."

The way he said my name makes me know that it's him. Only he can say my surname in that voice of his. He had many nicknames for me, but even though we were close back then, he would always call me "Ayuzawa."

Sato-san barges in, turning on the lights. Her eyes widen at our position, but she shakes her head. She grabs my arm, telling me that I have to do something important.

"Stay there," I manage to say to him.

"Of course."

Those words make me feel happy and relieved. I follow Sato-san out to the main room.

I see two guys; their noses are all bloody, and they both look beaten up. I shrug out of my manager's grip, and I march right over to them. How dare they interrupt my time with Usui? How dare they act idiotic at the wrong time?

I grab both of the men's arms and pull them outside. As soon as I close the door, I punch them in the guts and their faces.

"You drunk bastards! You are hereby banned from this place, ya hear me?!" I screech at them. "You guys have no right to"—_interrupt my reunion with Usui_—"scare the girls here and start an unnecessary ruckus. If I see your faces here ever again, I will _BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU! NOW SCRAM, YOU IDIOTS!_"

They both run away, looking frightened as hell. I let out a satisfied smile, and I go inside. Everything is back to normal. A girl is still dancing up on stage. Sato-san runs to me, asking me what happened. I tell her that I handled it and that they aren't going to come back anymore. She thanks me and leaves.

Quickly, I head towards the backroom. I want to see Usui. I need to see Usui.

But he isn't there.

**. . .**

Confusion fills my mind. Sadness tortures my heart. Anger runs through my veins.

There are so much emotions floating around in my system. I'm not sure what the main emotion I'm feeling is, but I don't want to know. I don't want to dwell on the fact that Usui is, indeed, messing around with me. It's good to know that I'm not living in the world of insanity, but he picked the wrong time to mess with me.

_What the hell does he want? I can't believe he even _thinks _that he can play around with me. We're not in high school anymore; we have to act like adults. But I guess he didn't get the memo, _I think, my fist clenching. _What does he _want_?! Damn guy…_

I scrub the dishes harder, oblivious to the fact that Suzuna is looking at me. That damn Usui is just making me all riled up. Is that his grand master plan—making my mind all messed up for the sake of his utter amusement? I'm not stupid. I'm never stupid. I know what goes on. I'm not oblivious to obvious crap. He thinks that I'm so absentminded or naïve, right? Well, I'll show him. I'll—

_What makes you think you'll ever see him again?_

This is the second time I've seen him. Of course, he must've planned everything. I know that I'll see him again. He likes to finish what he started—sometimes. He won't just leave it at that. He won't leave his damn trash behind and expect me to clean it all up for him. He's not like that. And besides, he—

A splatter of redness grows on my entire face.

—kissed me.

_Shit, _I curse internally. _And I liked it. I allowed it and liked it. What the hell? Was this some kind of game to him? He and I kissed… It was amazing… I wanted more… More… His lips were so soft, so inviting, so tempting… His tongue was about to—_

"Nii-san," Suzuna says beside me, "you look drunk. Drunken people aren't allowed to handle fragile things. Dishes are expensive nowadays; we can't afford to break one now."

I gasp, and I apologize quietly. He isn't here, and he's affecting me greatly. My own sister notices it—even though she doesn't know the _real _reason. But, nonetheless, she knows that something is bothering me. _Someone _is bothering me, and he needs to be tortured a lot. I may sound like a sadist, but it's true. That Usui…grates me. I just hope he's not perverted like back then…but there's an off chance that he might be.

After helping Suzuna wash the dishes, I immediately go up to my room to study for an upcoming quiz. I pull out the chair from my desk, sit on it, and start opening some books. My eyes skim the pages, but I'm not focusing on the words. Every word I see…transforms into the word "Usui."

"_Methodically, scientists often preserve the Usui, though some do it Usui. Usui, Usui, Usui, Usui, Usui… USUI, USUI, USUI!"_

"What the freaking hell is going on with me?!" I hiss to myself. "Stupid idiot! That alien… I can't believe—why the hell does he—jeez, how am I going to study—ugh, that moron! It's like he lives in my brain—" I slam my forehead on the desk, muttering profanities about a certain person.

I'm more mature than this. I shouldn't be obsessing about some guy. I mean, sure he was a big part of my life back then, but…it's not like he can show up and just pretend as if what we had was nothing.

_You caused this. You did._

I kissed him. So what? I felt that amazing spark. So what? I felt relieved around him. So what? I missed him. So…what? Right? I may still have those feelings for him, but it's not like anything's healed. It's my entire fault; he's not doing anything about it, though. What the hell's the matter with him for not scolding me or giving me the cold shoulder? He's…forgiving me. He's brushing everything away… Why?

"I'm a monster," I whisper. "A monster…who shouldn't be forgiven, Usui…"

I just don't know. I'm living a somewhat peaceful life, and when he shows up, emotions and inner conflicts get in the way. There are too many obstacles. Everything's…tumbling down. I don't like it. But I want him to stay. I want him to stay.

_Does he feel the same?_

My eyes catch a folded up paper near me. Hesitantly, I grab it and unfold.

_Ayuzawa,_

_Tomorrow morning meet me in that playground near your house. I'm sure you know where; I want some rabbit apples, as well. Ayuzawa's rabbit apples. _

_If you don't come, I will find you._

_And do things to you._

_Usui._

_P.S._

_You look nice in lacy clothing._

I grit my teeth. My negative and uneasy feelings immediately wash away and are thrown in the trash for a short time. I quickly crumple up the paper and throw it to the ground roughly.

So does that mean I go? I've been given this chance by him. That means he wants to talk to me; that means he doesn't hate me (maybe); that means…he forgives me?

_But wait—how did he get in my bedroom, in my house? _I think. _Does he have the spare keys? Or…wait, don't tell me._

I push my chair back a little and turn my head to the right. My window is slightly opened. I can't believe I missed that. How the hell did he get in? The window was locked securely before I left the house. I would know… But Usui _is _the person who can do anything. He's a pervert…who went inside my room.

I mutter nonsense to myself and try to study, hoping the words won't change into that dreadful person's name.

For some reason, I feel excitement…and fright.

* * *

**[Thank you for the reviews, people; they are greatly appreciated.]**


	3. Vanishing Act

"Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death."

—**Coco Chanel

* * *

**

I don't go.

Reason #1: I can't handle it. If I see his face, the guilt sleeping inside of me will wake up and continue the endless torture. Last night was an exception. We didn't talk anything out. It isn't even considered as a _confrontation_. He didn't yell at me; he merely kissed me—because I kissed him. And anyways, I couldn't see his face properly, just his green…green eyes.

Reason #2: What can I say? I sure as hell can't say a simple "I'm sorry, Usui," because hey, it's not enough; it will never _be _enough. I don't know how I'm going to start explaining everything, start to finish. I might stammer, go off-topic, beat around the bush, or my emotions will overpower me and I'll start sobbing pathetically. He'll eventually get irritated because I'm stalling and leave—for good.

With a baffling personality like Usui's, you just never know what's going to happen. He's capricious. It's been about two years, so I can't assume how he acts now. But, what with his strange appearances, it's a huge likelihood that he's the same person—though with many changes.

I shake my head and place the carton of juice inside the basket. Thinking about him will only distract me from everything. He hasn't been on my mind for a long time—he used to just appear from time to time—and now that he's here…I don't know what to think.

I walk along the aisle and make a turn. I head inside the vegetables and fruits part of the store. I tap my chin, looking around for some fruits Suzuna asked me to buy. I pick up the pear and examine it, seeing if there are any holes or bruises. I see a hole; I set the pear back down. I pick another one up and examine it, too.

"I can get better vegetables from my grandpa, you know," a voice says.

I hear a sigh coming from a girl. "I know that, but it's going to take some time getting all of those vegetables from him since he lives far away from here. We don't have much food at the apartment now, and I'm tired of eating the same old crap," she replies.

"Hey! Instant ramen isn't _crap_!"

"Yeah, sure."

I stop eavesdropping from the couple not too far from me. I don't look at them. For some reason, their conversation makes me smile. I don't know, but maybe it's because their relationship seems so _easy _and _happy_. I can sense that they're pretty much strong together. It must be nice to have something like that.

_Which I did, and then I threw it away._

That ugly feeling comes again, creeping up my throat. I rip off a plastic bag, dump three pears inside, and toss them inside the basket, feeling the extra weigh against my arm. I start fast-walking to the cashier, because I just want to go home now. I think this feeling will come out of my throat, making me vomit all over the place. I don't want that. The cashier tells me the amount of money, and I slam the money down on the counter, knowing exactly how much it is. I grab the groceries and practically run out of the convenience store. I lean back against the wall and breathe in and out, slowly and deeply. I close my eyes.

I guess the feeling—that _damn _feeling—came back again. You can say it's a concoction between remorse and pure misery, and now I think it's mixing together, forming an alliance against me. I can't say I blame them. I don't take them on willingly, but I'll just let them do their job.

Am I emotionally pained? Of course I am. I am _not _suicidal, though. The image of me dying, leaving Suzuna all alone, getting sent straight to a social worker, living with a family she doesn't know and doesn't treat her well—it kills me; it _kills me_. No way in hell will I leave my little sister, the person I live for, alone. If keeping in all of these negative emotions and inner conflicts inside is all it takes, then I'm doing that. I don't care if it tortures me forever. _I don't freaking care._

I let out a deep breath.

"Misaki?"

It's not Usui—I at least know that.

I can feel another feeling coming up my throat. It's not the same one; the previous combination disappeared—for now. This feeling is twisting around, poking. I feel liquid prodding at the corners of my eyelids, making me lift them up so they can pour down freely. And they do, pour down freely, I mean. My vision becomes blurry, but I still see him.

I choke back a sob, and I wrap my arms around him, burying my face in the crook of his neck. He smells just like freshness. He always smells like that—fresh. It's hard to explain the scent, but it's rather inviting, not too strong, and not too soft; it's just enough to make you feel at peace in a way. He's warm. I hug him even tighter than ever as if I am afraid he will fade away and leave me all alone, being tormented.

I notice that he's hugging me back, stroking the back of my head. He doesn't say anything; he just holds me. I like that about him—how he would give you comfort whenever you needed it. I also like the fact that he _knows _me; I get the feeling that he knows me more than I know myself, which can be true since I never understand my state of mind most of the time. He can sense the grief inside of me, lingering until I die—or maybe it will stay with me even if I die.

"Y-Y-You-k-ku-kun…," I whisper, "I m-mi-missed y-y-y-you."

He holds me tighter now. "I missed you, too, Misaki," he whispers back. He starts to comb his hands gently through my long hair.

Shintani tells me that he has to go and inform his friend that he's going to hang out with me. I protest, because I don't want to seem like I'm interrupting some quality time between him and his friend. He insists, though; he hasn't seen me in a long time. He missed me.

I missed him.

I _really _missed him.

After Shintani informs his friend, we end up walking to wherever our feet will take us. He's standing beside me, squashing me against his side with his arm around my waist. I put my arm around his waist, too, enjoying the contact. We may seem like a couple in other passersby's perspectives, but I don't pay attention to that. He's here with me. My best friend, my childhood friend, my supporter, is here with me.

He brings me over to a water fountain, and we sit down the bench. He holds my right hand, and I let him. I don't care if he's being all intimate with me. I really don't. All that matters is that he's here with me, even if it's just for one moment.

"How've you been, Misaki?" Shintani asks, smiling at me.

I stare at my shoes. "I've been…well," I reply quietly.

"Why are you lying?"

I gulp. Damn it.

"Why are you lying, Misaki?"

I clench my teeth together. I just want to let it all out. But we're in public, and I don't want to dump all of my problems on him. It's utterly selfish, and I really want to just be with him. Scaring him away and feeding him unnecessary crap aren't worth it.

"It's—it's hard, Shintani." I let out a shaky breath. I'll try to make this as simple and easy as I can; no need to give him anything extreme. "My life's okay, actually. It just gets hard from time to time. I mean, I have to work late at night, but I don't like leaving Suzuna all alone at home. But we need the money. I'm okay. Obstacles come." _Obstacles like a particular alien._

He squeezes my hand. "Hey, we all go through those things, all right? Life just throws those conflicts at you, and you have to solve them no matter what. Keeping them in isn't the right way, because while you still have those unsolved conflicts, more and more will appear, drowning you, suffocating you. I don't want that to happen to you, Misaki."

_It did, You-kun, it already did. It's _killing _me. _But I don't say that. I just nod and stare at my shoes.

If I tell him, what will happen? Surely he'll help me; he's that willing and that kind. But I don't want to be self-centered. I don't want him to know what I'm going through. Like he said, I have to work on my own conflicts. I do not need to tell him my conflicts, though. And if I don't solve them, then _I'll _be the one suffering, not him, not Suzuna, not _anyone else_.

If I _don't _tell him, what will happen? He'll think I'm living a somewhat okay life—which I was, until that damn freakin' pervert came back and messed up everything. Shintani will keep hanging out with me, all smiles, being the same carefree person he is. He will think everything is okay, and I want him to stay like that. I want him to be happy. If I don't tell him, he'll be happy, _content _with life. Even though he's my best friend, even though I'm very tempted to spill it all out at once, I can't. I can't ruin his life. I _can't_.

We end up enjoying the peaceful silence in the park. We start to reminisce, talking about childhood memories. A feeling of nostalgia is floating in the air, and we both inhale it deeply and happily, hoping it will stay inside—and it will. I laugh at the times he would get sent straight to the nurse after eating too much or eating weird combinations of food and after he would heal, he would continue eating a lot and eating weird food. He starts to talk about how everyone admired me, and I deny it because it's not true.

I wonder if he still loves me. I wonder if I _want _him to love me. Do _I _love _him_?

I look at my watch, and I realize that it's almost lunchtime. Suzuna still has to cook. (Yeah, I still don't know how.) I face Shintani and smile sadly.

He sighs. "I hate it when good moments never last long enough," he grumbles. His stomach growls and he pats it. "Not now. Lunchtime later, Misaki time now—or not anymore actually…" He frowns.

I smile at him. "Another time, 'kay? You live near here, right?"

He stands up, bringing me up with him as well. "Yeah—just a couple of blocks down that way." He gestures the direction with his pointer. "Not too far from where you live. You still live in the same place, right?"

I nod.

He lets go of my hand, placing both of his hands on my shoulders. I realize that he's gotten slightly more muscular and that his hands are calloused and rough from hard labor. He stares straight through my eyes with his light brown eyes,

"Tell me, Misaki: is there _anything else _you're not telling me?" he demands, firm.

I try to hold his penetrating gaze. "No, Shintani," I murmur. "There is nothing else."

Clearly, he's not convinced. I can tell. But he pulls back away, sighing.

On an impulse, I hug him again. I wrap my arms around his middle, breathing in that fresh scent of his. I feel his warmness envelope me everywhere, touching me delicately. His hands are wrapped around me.

"Please tell me you're all right."

I can just tell him. I can just scream out loud, "YES! PLEASE HELP ME, YOU-KUN! TAKE AWAY EVERYTHING THAT'S EATING ME INSIDE EVERYDAY! YOU-KUN, I CAN'T TAKE IT, I CAN'T TAKE, I _CAN'T TAKE IT_!"

But I don't.

"I'm all right."

_No, you're not._

Shut up.

**. . .**

I haven't seen Usui all day, all afternoon, all night. I mean, it's still midnight, but still—_where the hell is he_?

I'm afraid he might've left me because I didn't go to the park like he asked me to. I wonder if life gave me that opportunity to talk things out or at least have some closure with him. Maybe if I went, a huge weight would've been lifted off of my shoulders.

But then I wouldn't have seen Shintani.

I keep my thoughts together, wiping the floor with a mop. A previous customer vomited earlier, because apparently he had too much to drink at one time. It was a pain, and I was the first person Sato-san asked. I didn't complain, because I would rather do this than dance up at that stage for those desperate assholes. I place the mop inside and use the squeezer to squeeze the excess vomit/dirty water inside. I put the mop inside. I head inside the bathroom to go wash my hands.

There are two girls putting on makeup, chatting vivaciously and inappropriately about something that doesn't concern me. I ignore them and wash my hands.

"He was _mega-sexy_, I'm telling you," a red-haired girl gushes, putting on some mascara.

"Lies. All lies. Not much hotties come in here now since business sucks ass here. The only hot stud that came here was that teenager. He got kicked out 'cause he was, like, underage or whatever," the other girl, black hair with blue streaks, replies, placing large amounts of lip-gloss on. She leans back. She smacks her lips and places the cap on the tube. She adjusts the corset she's wearing.

"Uh, _hello_, Eimi? Blonde, green eyes, tall, obviously muscular, mysteriousness? He's your type, my type, and every person with boobs or a homosexual implant in their brain's type." She grins at her reflection. "Ooh, la-la."

I scrub my hands harder and harder with the soap. The person she's talking about has _got _to be Usui. Was he here earlier? Or wait, _is _he here _right now_? I hear my heart beating fast.

"Well, is here now?" Eimi asks, pulling her skirt up even higher. "For all I know, it could be some bullshit you're spitting out, June."

"Shut the hell up. He's here—at least I _think _he is. He should be. It's like he's waiting for someone." June gasps. She takes out her lip-gloss from her bag and putting a lot of gloss on her lips. She mashes her lips together, molding it, and twists the cover on. "It might be _me_!"

"Dream on, slut."

I immediately exit out of the bathroom. I go down the hallway, pushing men who are drunk out of the way. I look out at the main area, searching for Usui. All I see are perverted men, staring lustfully at the dancer performing. My eyes look at the main entrance, hoping he will be standing there like before. But he isn't. He isn't. He isn't there. He isn't.

I smack myself on the forehead, feeling the sting vibrate. I walk slowly over to the dressing room, hearing my heels go _click-clack, click-clack _annoyingly. I sit down on a small cushiony chair in front of a vanity mirror. Girls are chatting away, but I block them out. I block out the loud music, the insane cat-calls and rude remarks, and everything.

I place my head on the table and close my eyes.

Images of everything killing me are swirling around in my head. I try to block them out too, but it's hard. I just want to see darkness, and I just want to hear nothing. I want to _be _nothing; I want to just be somewhere far away where I can lie down on a patch of daises and stare the clouds drifting by without a care in the world. I want to go to a good school, get good grades, have fun with my sister, and just enjoy life because you have to or else it'll all vanish.

I can't. I can't. I can't.

Pretty soon, it's about 3 A.M. It's a good thing I informed Suzuna before I left that I would be really late because of inventory at the café. I change out of the diminutive clothing and put on some regular comfy clothing. I grab my stuff, and I head inside Sato-san's office.

As I go inside, I see that she's leaning against the window, smoking. The window is open. Her eyes look far away as if she is in some distant memory, thinking about something good or bad. I don't know. I clear my throat. She snaps back to reality and looks at me, tapping her cigarette on the ashtray. I watch pieces of ash fall down.

"Yeah, Ayuzawa? You can go now, you know," she says brusquely. "I want some time alone, so leave. I'll lock the damn place up."

Something's bothering her. Without hesitation, I leave. She must have her own inner problems, too. We all do.

I walk down the street, clutching my bag strap tightly. I inhale, and I almost cough. I forget that I'm still near the club and the smell of alcohol and smoke is still around the air. I sigh deeply and trudge down the steep part of the street.

I feel as if someone's watching me. I look to the side, and I almost drop my bag.

Usui.

Usui.

Usui.

_Usui Takumi._

He's standing there on the other side, staring at me with his green eyes. He just stares, and I do stare, too. He turns away, looks down, and then leaves inside the alleyway. I'm about to run after him, but then it's like he disappeared.

I bite my lip. I almost tear apart my bag strap. I almost scream. I almost cry. I almost die.

Or am I dead already?

I curse repeatedly in my mind and head home.

He disappears. He always does.

Just like that.

* * *

**[Pretty angst-filled stuff, eh?**

**Well, it **_**is **_**angst, so yeah…**

**Sorry for the super-duper long delay, folks. I'm a freshman who is still adjusting to this irritating high school experience. Focusing on grades, still trying to know what career I want, and just trying to survive this ugly confinement—the usual.**

**Yup.]**


	4. Chance

"_But everything changes if I could_

_Turn back the years if you could_

_Learn to forgive me _

_Then I could learn to feel…_"

—_**Everything Changes **_**by: Staind

* * *

**

He's just _sitting _there.

I zip up my jacket a bit more, suddenly feeling all chilly even though it's jam-packed in the subway. I look down to my right and see Suzuna staring out the window with an unreadable expression as always. I take a moment to evaluate her appearance—I hope doing this will somehow divert my focused attention to a certain person.

She's grown. She's mature. She's almost a woman now. The little middle school girl is now a beautiful sixteen-year-old. Her hair is long, almost longer than my hair which falls at the bottom of my waist (we both don't have the time or money to cut it); she puts her hair in two, messy, low buns instead of pigtails. Strands of hair frame her face perfectly. She's grown a couple of inches, though she's still shorter than me. She's still the same apathetic person to me. Sometimes, I get the feeling that she keeps it all in for her sake and mine. I respect that a little, but I don't want her to do that since it's not good to keep it all in. I hope she'll at_ least _open up a bit.

She abruptly looks at me, catching me looking at her. I smile at her a little. She turns away. My smile falls.

And sometimes, I get the feeling that she hates me.

_It's your fault._

Damn it, I _got that_.

"Excuse me, miss," a smooth, expressionless voice says behind me.

I turn around, and I see Usui standing behind me in all his glory. He is wearing some type of business suit. His hair is still the same messy style, but it covers his eyes more. He's wearing glasses. He's…different-looking. I didn't get the chance to appraise his appearance the last two unforeseen meetings with him before.

I merely stare at him.

He sighs. "Miss, you're blocking the exit to the subway," he informs me. He sounds like he really needs to go someplace soon.

_What the hell? It's as if he doesn't _know _me. _"Um, sorry. Go right ahead," I mutter and step out of the way, almost colliding with a man on the phone.

He nods and leaves. He doesn't turn back. He doesn't. He just leaves.

I feel someone poke my shoulder.

"Hey, Nee-san," Suzuna says casually. "Isn't that Usui, your ex or something? He looks so rich and proficient-looking. How come he didn't say hi? It's like he doesn't know you…"

I gulp. "I—I don't—I don't know, Suzuna," I stammer, puzzled. "Perhaps he didn't notice me or something… I mean, I look different now."

"Not _that _different. Your hair's just longer."

Oh, I wish, Suzuna… I wish it was because my hair was just longer. Maybe he didn't recognize me as much. I would've believed that assumption. But if you knew about our recent reunions, you would've immediately thought otherwise. Anyone would've immediately thought otherwise.

But something doesn't make sense.

I always knew Usui belonged to some high-class family. He even told me something about them when we were together. So since he looks all rich and professional right now, that must mean he made amends with his family? He's rich again…or something?

I scratch my head roughly.

He wouldn't have ridden the subway. He wouldn't have.

**. . .**

That killing memory always hits me without prior notice.

_I stared out the window. I felt bleak, empty—to put it simply, I felt like someone ripped out every one of my organs, especially my heart. I felt dead; I felt _nothing_. _

_Contemptuous irony hit me straight in the face when I realized it was a starry night._

_He wound his arms around my waist, trying to comfort me, give me security. But I wasn't comforted; I didn't feel any security whatsoever. I wanted him to leave me the _hell alone_._

"_Say something, Ayuzawa," he whispered in my ear. "I don't like it when you're silent. Please say something…"_

"_What do you want me to say?" _

"_You know that she wouldn't want you like this. She wouldn't. It was bound to happen, and—"_

_I spun around and pushed him off of me roughly. I glared at him. "'It was bound to happen'? Don't you _dare _give me that, Usui! No! It _wasn't _bound to happen! She was still so young and—and—and she never _ever _did anything wrong for her to deserve this! She was the best person in my life; she was the best person in Suzuna's life! Don't you give me that 'It was bound to happen' bullshit! It wasn't! It wasn't!" I screamed. Tears poured down my cheeks, and I hated it._

_He stared at me calmly. "Ayuzawa…you knew that she had an illness and she was over-stressing herself out. Right before our very eyes, she…" He trailed off. He sighed. "Even if you don't want to believe it, you knew it was true. You knew that it was going to happen. Deep down, you _knew_."_

_I gritted my teeth. Lies, lies, lies… He was just like the others—taking pity on us when we didn't need it, Suzuna and me. Why couldn't he just keep me company and shut the hell up? Why? Why couldn't he? Why couldn't he _not _be like the others and just…be with me?_

"_I don't need your freakin' pity," I spat. "If you're _trying _to make me feel better, it isn't working. At _all_." _

_He stared at me._

I knew it_, I thought acrimoniously. _Just like the others.

"_Leave."_

"_Ayuzawa, please—be reasonable."_

"_Rea—_Reasonable_? You can go to hell for all I care, Usui! My freakin' mother just died, and you're telling me to 'be reasonable'? Leave. Just—just _leave_. I don't want to see your face. You're just like the others, giving me _pity _and trying to look like you're all sorry when you're _not_! You're not! I don't—_we _don't need you or anyone else for that matter! Just leave us alone, Usui. I don't want to see your face. Get away from me." I looked at him as if he was living disease. I just didn't want anyone near me._

_He gave me a pleading look—something that you rarely saw from his usually aloof expressions. "Don't…do this, Misaki," he implored. "You're just saying this, because you're emotionally distraught. I'm here for you. I am."_

_I shook my head. "I don't _need you_. All I need is Suzuna. She's all I care for. Just _leave_." As I spoke those words each time, it was like I was sewing lies in my tongue. But I didn't stop. _

"_I love you, Misaki." The look stayed on his face. His green eyes were shooting unswervingly through me, saying "No, don't do this."_

_Those words he said, I couldn't take. They were the last words she said… She said those words…_

"_Leave," I firmly stated. "Leave."_

And he did.

And I never saw him.

And I regretted it.

All the time.

I shake my head and slap my cheeks for more effect. I need to snap back into reality and focus. School is one of my top priorities—it never changed. Education is important to me, because, well, you never know what will happen. I'm not going to let my inner conflicts get in the way of what I'm supposed to do: taking care of Suzuna and learning. No matter what…those significances won't change.

I try to make an effort to listen to my teacher's lecture. But it's futile. The scene plays repetitively, paining my brain, and I hear the same wounding words I had spoken to him that night. It just doesn't want to stop. It doesn't. And I wish I could do something about it.

I feel someone poke my forearm, and I see Sakura looking at me with a concerned expression. She mouths, "Are you all right?"

I try to smile and nod.

Her eyebrows furrow even deeper. Her beautiful face will be ruined by worry lines if she keeps doing that.

"Headache," I whisper.

The concerned expression doesn't stir. It's like she wants to do something for me, but…she doesn't know how because I'm not telling her anything.

"You want some painkillers?" she asks delicately.

I shake my head. "I don't depend on pills. I just let it heal by itself."

"That's not good, Misaki." She holds my hand with her warm, soft ones. "What's wrong? Please let me help you. I can and I will. Just…tell me."

_The second person. She's the second person to say that… _I smile assuredly at her. "Don't _worry_, Sakura. Please don't. I accidentally stayed up late last night because I was studying, and I didn't eat breakfast this morning because I was rushing to get to class. I've missed one too many classes; I don't want to miss another. Worry about yourself. I'm _fine_."

Convincing her was hard, because Sakura worried too much about me a lot ever since that incident happened. I'm grateful for that, but she doesn't have to worry about me. I'd like her to focus on her peaceful, normal life, because she deserves that. Sakura is a genuinely good person; she has a heart of gold. She's a stunning young lady. She has a future just beyond her reach.

I'm the opposite of her. I may have had a future, but I guess I'll have to ignore that future and concentrate on Suzuna. I'm not a good person after everything I had done to Usui and Suzuna. Saying those words to _him_, leaving _her_ to deal with poverty—what kind of "genuinely good person" does that?

Me.

Sakura would've fixed everything easily. She's that great of a person. Maybe it'd be better if she was Suzuna's older sister. Sakura's not a naïve and vulnerable girl anymore; she's matured, and she's living on her own with her own money. Admirable, really.

I continue eating my onigiri silently, watching people walk by me. I'm sitting on a bench that was in front of a convenience store where I bought my lunch. My lunch isn't much, just two onigiris and a juice box. I can't spend too much even if it's food.

I take a quick glimpse at my watch, and I do some calculations. Finish lunch, finish classes, go home and make sure there is enough food for Suzuna, go to work, go home, sleep, wake up, get ready for school (if I have classes)—repeat cycle.

"Enjoying your lunch?" a voice says behind me.

I almost choke on my food. I gulp it down, and I turn around, ready to snap at the person who scared me to death.

The words fall right of my mouth.

Usui smirks. "Hello, Ayuzawa," he greets conversationally. "Lovely weather, hm?"

Am I even _breathing_? I don't think so. I feel like my entire system shut down, and the only action I'm doing is keeping my eyes open and directing my attention to him. I think the onigiri dropped from my hand, and I don't bother whining about it. I feel my lips tremble. I feel like breaking down. I feel like—like—like _shit_.

"H-Hello, Usui," I greet back. Wow, I actually managed two words.

He's leaning on the bench, resting his arms on it. He's still donning a business suit and glasses. But his blazer is open, and his tie is loosened. It's as if he just got out of work. He looks moderately tired, but he seems to not notice his exhaustion.

Whenever I see him, all I want to is apologize and do many things to him. But right now, all I can think is _"What the _hell_?"_

"How have you been doing?" His voice is quiet as usual.

_Great. _That _question_, I think bitterly. "Okay," I respond slowly.

He stares at me. "I see…" He clears his throat. "So, what have you been doing lately? Are you still working at the _Maid Café_?"

What. The. Freaking. Hell?

He knows that I work at the strip club, doesn't he? I did a lap-dance on him. We kissed, too. How could he have forgotten that?

Or maybe…he _hasn't _forgotten it. He's pretending as if none of that ever happened. _Why?_

"You know," I mutter.

"I beg your pardon?"

I glower. "You _know_. Don't act all _dumb_. You know that I"—I lower my tone—"work at the strip club."

His green eyes flicker to the ground for a moment, and then look straight through my eyes. He takes a strand of my hair and inspects it, holding it so gingerly it's like he's afraid it'll break.

I can't decipher his expression. Back then, sometimes, I could never know what he was thinking at _all_. It was incredibly frustrating, and I wished he would open up more. He never really expressed his feelings all that much. He never really told me what was on his mind. He really was an enigmatic person, hard to _read_.

"Yes, I know you work there. Why, exactly?" he questions, still observing the piece of hair between his thumb and index finger.

How do I answer that? "It's—it's _obligatory_." I hope that sounds ambiguous. That way he won't easily understand the depths of that answer.

"What happened to _Maid Café_?"

"I just had to quit it, _okay_? Are you done with the personal questions? When are we going to chat like normal people who haven't seen each other for approximately three years or so?" I really don't know why I'm giving him attitude. I don't.

He smiles, and I feel myself getting red. "My apologies, _Pres_. I—" I hear something vibrating in his pocket. He sighs, smile vanishing, and answers his phone. He holds up a finger, walks over to the corner of the store, and starts talking in English. Perhaps it's regarding his work—whatever it is.

I mind my own business and take out the second onigiri from the plastic bag. I start nibbling on it and wait until he's done with his conversation. I glance at my watch and see that I only have about nine minutes left of my break. I take bigger bites. I hope Usui finishes his conversation faster. Nine minutes left, nine minutes with him…

"I'm sorry about that," Usui says as he takes a seat beside.

I shrug. "It's all right," I mumble.

"How long is your break, Ayuzawa?"

"About nine minutes or so… Why?" I swallow.

He sighs and smiles sadly. "I would've liked more time with you, but I can't stop time, right?"

_Nor can you rewind it_, I think unhappily. "Yeah." I really didn't know what to say. I feel very awkward around him.

"Do you have anything to do after school?"

I finish the last remnants of my food. I wipe my mouth with the sleeve of my shirt. "Well…only for tonight which is work. But before that, I have to make sure Suzuna has food to eat. I have a small portion of free time after school. Momentary relaxation, you could say." I pause, biting my lip. "Um, why?"

He smiles again. I swear I think I just heard my heart skip around happily. "Would you like to spend some 'momentary relaxation' with me—even if it's just for a short period of time?"

No. Yes. I don't know. It's either the first two answers, but I really don't know. I mean, this could serve as an opportunity—maybe even as a _once in a lifetime _kind of opportunity—for me to set things straight and actually become free within. The guilt currently residing inside me may or may not go away, but I'm hoping it would. Quite frankly, I'm sure it would. As said before, though, I wouldn't know how to start, what to say.

I manage a small smile. I say, "Sure," and, just for old time's sake, I add, "You perverted outer-space alien."

Usui lets out an ephemeral chuckle, but it's enough for me. As long as he's smiling, I'm okay. I am.

You know, I think I'm going to be all right now. It's my chance. This is my chance.

* * *

**[This chapter was pretty short…**

**Huh.**

**Ahem! All right, a lot of you are pretty surprised that I'm a freshman, my writing skills are "da bomb" (Ha! No one really reviewed that. xD), the story's angst-y, update, and so on.**

**Thanks for that. All of your reviews are filled with so many compliments. You guys rock, like, totally. :)  
**

**Stay alert for the next chapter!**

**P.S.**

**Projects can suck it.]**


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